Suggestions for improving this chapter?

school bags christchurch image

ChristianT

I am 15 years old and I am trying to write a novel. This is the chapter I just finished drafting where the main character, a twelve year old girl, meets the other girls in her class at her new school and starts deciding what she thinks about them. I don't have anyone else to ask about it other than my dad who doesn't read this kind of book and hasn't ever given me any useful feedback, so I'm posting it here.

Chapter 3, make friends -4/10/10

Emily looked out at her new classroom. Emily and her teacher were the only fare skinned people in the room. The teacher introduced Emily, or tried to. "Ki oru class,â She said, but was immediately intterupted by a loud chorus of âItâs ki oraâ To Emily the first pronounciation sounded better, but the teacher corrected herself and went on. âKi ora class, Today we have a new classmate, your name, is?â
âEmily.â said Emily.
âWell, itâs nice to meet you Emily.â Said the teacher. âYou can call me Mrs. Finn. Ok, please find a seat Emily.â Emily walked in the gap between the desks that went through the middle of the classroom. The desks were lined up width-wise in groups of three, there were a couple of spare seats to choose from. A girl whose long-brown-with-highlights hair was tied in a ponytail waved to Emily.
"Emily, sit over here" Said the girl. Emily sat down next to the girl.
"My nameâs Jo, And this is Tania." Said the girl. On the other side of Jo was a chubby girl with very dark skin and black hair tied in a top knot, or Emily thought that was what it was called. Sheâd never seen one before.
âHello Jo, hello Tania, nice to meet you" said Emily.
Jo looked like she was about to reply, but Mrs. Finn stopped them
âQuiet now, itâs time for mathâ
Mrs Finn handed out math sheets to the students. Emily thought she would like Mrs Fyn.

Later, after being relesed for recess, Emily followed Jo and Tania out of the classroom. Both of them stopped in the room where the bags were kept and stood there facing four other girls. âWhereâd ja come from Emilyâ asked one of them âIâm from Christchurchâ Emily said. âDid you move because of the earthquake?â she asked, grabbing a pink backpack from a hook.
âYes,â said Emily,
my parents got really upset and then we went to stay with my granma in Wellington, my Mum decided she would rather stay in Wellington but we have to wait for the insurance company to pay us and all the good houses in Wellington were really expensive, so she brought a house out here cause they seem to be cheaper here.â
âThatâs cause nobody wants to live hereâ said Jo. The girl with the pink backpack pulled out a small package. âAtawhai Can I have one?â asked Tania âSure, Ya want one Jo, oh yeah you donât smokeâ WHAT! thought Emily, How can they be smoking,
âisnât that illegalâ Emily said out loud.â¨âYeah Atawhaiâ said one of the other girls, in a teasing voice âIsnât that Illegalâ
âWhy would it be illegal?â asked Atawhai.
âUnderaged smoking?â Emily guessed. She wasnât sure if there was a legal age limit for smoking, but she knew kids werenât allowed to buy cigeretts.
Jo said she didnât care, âjust give me my *swearword* smokeâ
except she actually said the word.
Once Shellyâs older sister had been caught smoking in high school, And sheâd been expeled. Emily had never encountered kids her own age smoking, and she thought it was discusting.
âItâs a smoke free school.â Emily said, âOnce my friends sister was caught smoking...â
âThere not smoking at schoolâ said Jo, âTheyll go outside into the car parkâ
âYeah, well, see yaâ said Atawhai, as she and Jo walked off.
âArnât you allowed to smoke?â Asked Tania, she was talking to Emily.
âNoâ said Emily.
âAre you allowed to do drugs?â
âOf course not! said Emilyâ
âAre you allowed to drink?â
âOnly in comunionâ
âDo you go to church?â One of the other girls intterupted
âYesâ Said Emily
Tania ignoored her
âAre you allowed to swear?â
âNoâ said Emily.
âAre you allowed to gamble?â â¨âCan you quit it with the dumb questions, Iâm not a bad personâ said Emily.
âOhâ Said Tania, and she walked away
Emily walked out and sat at a picnic table. âWhere am I?â she thought.

Answer
When you're using dialogue, and you're putting 'said Emily', or something after the quotes, put a comma at the end of the speech, and uncapitalize the word 'said'. Example;

"My feet hurt," said Eddie.

If the dialogue is a question, replace the comma with a question mark. If it's an exclamation, use an exclamation mark. Different examples;

"Don't you hate it when your feet hurt?" wined Eddie.
"My feet are killing me!" shouted Eddie.

If it's obvious who's saying the words, you don't even have to put the person's name afterwords. Example;

Eddie was sitting in his chair, bent over, rubbing his feet. "I wish I'd never went out for that really long walk!"

Also, when a new person is talking, start a new paragraph.
Don't do this;
"My name is Sarah," said Sarah. "My name is Eddie," said Eddie.
Do this;
"My name is Sarah," said Sarah.
"My name is Eddie," said Eddie.

Alsooo, make sure to indent with every new paragraph!! There are several grammatical errors as well, such as when you said 'There not smoking", it should say "They're not smoking", as in 'they are'. 'There' is a destination word. Don't always say 'said', either. It makes your writing sound bland and boring, and makes the characters sound unemotional. Try to switch it up a bit, use words like 'exclaimed', 'shouted', 'laughed', 'pouted', 'moaned', ect.

There's a lot more to mention but I'm just gonna leave it at that! :D Good luck!

Is the Christchurch (D8) area safe for a single person (American) staying alone in an apt?

H

I've stayed in hotels in D2 previously, but I need an apt for work. I found a good one on daft, but on google maps, it's across from what I think is a homeless shelter (St Vincent De Paul) & there is graffiti on a lot of the walls & quite a few barbed wire fences. Regardless, the apartment does appear very nice - but I just don't know if there will be issues walking around there - particularly at night since it is near temple bar too (I used to go out there at night myself - but maybe not as much this trip). Should I just take taxis home? Work will not pay any more than this & it is extremely close to where I need to be.

Answer
No,I strongly wouldn't recommend Christchurch.
Its a very rough area,a lot of drug dealers etc going round lots of estates!
From your description it sounds very rough,yes the apartment may look nice,as do all properties on websites,but I can almost guarantee after a few weeks it will be faulty!

Also,temple bar is a very rough area.I have gone there lots of times on school trips and I hate it.I actually get nervous going down the different lanes.Everywhere you go people are staring right at your purse or bag.

Not trying to scare you or anything but half the time those taxi drivers are driving drunk.My friend had to get one and was terrified all the way home.

It was shown on TV a few weeks ago on all those rough estates around Dublin,and Christchurch was mentioned as one of them.

So sorry to tell you,but I wouldn't stay in Christchurch if you paid me.Maybe its just me,but it seems a very rough area!

Hope I helped tho:)

Powered by Yahoo! Answers

Title Post: Suggestions for improving this chapter?
Rating: 95% based on 9768 ratings. 4,5 user reviews.
Author: Yukie

Thanks For Coming To My Blog