Am I Good Writer? Please Help!?

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Sapphire x

I've posted this before, but I deleted it by accident. Here's an extract of my story, honest feedback please. I'm 13 years old.
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1
There are things that I will miss about our damp flat in Glasgow.
I'll miss when the electricity went off and we had to huddle together on the sofa, shivering under a moth-eaten blanket that Dad tugged out of the hall cupboard. I'll miss my cosy pink bedroom, with the squeaky floorboards and the window looking out onto Clyde Park. I'll miss the smell of sweet scented candles, apple and blueberry and orange and cherry. I'll miss winter, when me and Dad sipped lukewarm hot chocolate speckled with fluffy pink marshmallows, and talked and talked and talked. I'd moan about Amy McWinter and Miss Elberry and homework and tests. Dad would moan about the rent and the landlord and the envelopes that were pushed through the letterbox every morning, filled with rows of black printed numbers.
There are also a lot of things that I won't miss.
Like the batty old man who lived downstairs, and always used to bang on our door and shout that we were playing music too loudly, at 2 o' clock in the morning when we were fast asleep. I won't miss Clyde High School... or Amy McWinter.
Every class has a popular girl, right? Well Amy was probably the most popular person in the whole school. Even the teachers simpered over her. She had glossy blonde hair, with a neatly trimmed block fringe. The kind I'd always wanted to have, shiny and neat. She was effortlessly pretty, with big blue eyes and long eyelashes and pale white skin. She never got a spot or a pimple or any blemish at all. Amy McWinter reminded me of a perfect Barbie doll.
She wasn't pretty inside, though. She was horrid horrid horrid.
I didn't get good marks, simply because of her. I was at the very bottom of the class. She prodded her sharp plastic ruler right into my back, she'd kick my chair so I couldn't concentrate, she'd mumble cruel words into my back. She'd pick on me in the playground too, laughing at my shoes, my bag, my second-hand school uniform, my haircut.
That's why I pushed her.
Amy was saying stuff about my mum. Horrible stuff, that made my cheeks burn and my eyes prickle with tears. She was standing at the top of the staircase, the big one that spiralled round and round and round, like one of those big green slides you get a fairground.
'No wonder she killed herself,' Amy hissed, her eyes shining. 'Having you for a daughter.'
'She didn't kill herself,' I said uncertainly, not quite believing it
myself. 'She left. She ran away. She'll still alive somewhere, probably living it up in a fabulous lifestyle as an actress, with a great big mansion
and...'
'We all know you're a little liar,' Amy snorted. 'A mansion! Yeah, right. If she's alive, which I doubt, she's probably sleeping in a doorway somewhere, begging for spare change.'
'She was a writer,' I lied, having one last attempt. 'So she'll probably be in a caravan, somewhere, because she told me she has to travel a lot. A really nice one, with a double bedroom and a bathroom and a living room and a...'
'Double bedroom?' Amy demanded. 'Why would she need that? It isn't like she's asked you to stay with her, sleep for a night. Is it?'
'She doesn't know our address. We've moved heaps and heaps of times. We've travelled all around the world, in fact,' I said lightly, shrugging slightly. 'She probably thinks about me every day, longs to see me, but can't because she...'
'That's rubbish,' Amy suddenly cries, taking a step towards me. I flinched, even though I knew she wouldn't actually physically hurt me. I could beat her in a fight, easy. I was small and skinny but I certainly knew how to punch and kick.
Amy continued, her words sharper than any hit she could give me. 'You live in that minging council flat, near the Kiosk, with mould on the windows and those big leafy vines climbing up the bricks. You've lived there since you were a baby, since she left. Of course she knows your address! She just can't be bothered. Doesn't want you, obviously. But who would? Not me, not anyone. Especially not her...'
It was then when I lost it.
She was on the top staircase, her fingers resting loosely on the banister. It only took one sharp push to get her flying down the stairs, shrieking and screaming, landing with a bump on the polished marble floor.
I looked down at her, sprawled across the floor, missing one Rocket Dog pump, her golden hair webbed across her face. One hand was outstretched, her fingers clenched into a fist. I waited for her to get up, to yell, to get me in trouble. But she didn't. She remained still, her face pale, her eyes closed, as if she was in a peaceful sleep.
I screamed.

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THIS
Thanks to the people who said it was good (: x

& yeah, I suppose the floor wouldn't be marble. I don't really know why I put that. I'll changed it to "the polished wooden floorboards".
to the person that sent me a link to buy a barbie doll... WHAT?!

& to the person that said they didn't see the main character's name being mentioned... it wasn't. It's mentioned first thing in the second chapter though. It's Cherry.

Answer
wow, for 13 this is pretty dam good. I couldn't write like this at 13.

Anyway, onto the feedback. I agree with Shadow and Britt. There are a few grammar errors and I think (like me! lol) that you like to over use commas. Don't worry about it though. Just re-read what you've got and i'm sure you'll pick up when to take away a few commas. Just read it out loud and you'll see them =)
Also, the beginning seems to go for a bit too long? It doesn't really add a whole heap to the story. Maybe you could shorten it down and what you don't use, add in to the next scene or something.

I gotta say, I hate that Amy McWinter girl. She's so mean >< !! Oh and speaking of, skimming back over this I don't remember the Main Character's name being mentioned. Or maybe I just didn't skim hard enough lol

My last little thing I gotta say is get rid of the I screamed bit, or add a bit more into it.
She remained still, her face pale, her eyes closed, as if she was in a peaceful sleep. I couldn't help the scream that forced its way out.

Hmm, that was longer than what I thought it would be haha. But don't think that this is bad at all. I really liked it. Keep up the awesome work =)

Is she a FRIEND or just using me?

Savannah B

I have this friend,and we have been quite close the past year or so we've known each other,i mean,we do Everything together,but I seem to always do stuff for her,and she never does anything for me,so,this week,we have been staying at each others like,swapping back and forth,but she keeps saying some really insulting things,for instance,I'll describe today

"She phoned me up at 7.30 and says,do you want to go out,and i says,can i phone you back,im just awake,and she kind of went in a huff,so anyway,we got to glasgow about 2.00 to get our school stuff,so,we were goin in an out of shops and stuff,and abbout 3.30 we went for lunch,and i had bought my subway(six inch roll,medium drink,and saved my cookie for on he way home)she picked up my roll and i said,what are you doing?and she says,oh,i just want to try it,and i said ok on you go,and she ate half of it(after eating her lunch the exact same as what i had ordered)so it kind of annoyed me because i hadnt eaten,but anyway,i had almost everything for school i needed and then she told me she didnt have ANYTHING(we'd been shoppin for over an hour and a half!)so,we went into various shops and i helped her pick out what she needed,then she said at 6.00,i dont like any of this,took it all back and started again(sooo embarassing)so the place shut at 6.30,and we were on the train,and i had to use the bathroom(yes lol,a toilet on a train,eeeew),i came back and was hungry,so i reached into my bag for my cookie,and there was only half there,and she says,oh,i was kinda hungry,so i just took half your cookie,but oh well,thats was today??

so,i have been stayin at hers this week,and i made dinner for her and her family,i tidied her room and her house,i walked her dog and so on,but then sitting in my house,my niece(1 an 1/2) and two of my sisters were in and she says"your niece is crazy i couldnt live with 'THAT' " and then my brother came in,an they were havin a couple of drinks and she sayss,your family is soo loud,i couldnt live with them(infront of them).then we were walking down to the shops and she phoned her dad to come and get her and just left me walking to the shops on my own(10.00 at night :( )she didnt even say bye :(


My sisters and my mum says that i shouldnt hang about with her because she's just walking over the top of me and using me,but,i ont know if i can,i dont want to just say "im not your friend blah blah blah..."because i dont want to upset her,so, how can i tell the way i feel,without having to not be friends(stupid way of putting it)and what would you do,do you think she's worth the worry and upset???(because it is upsetting me)

answers are very appreciated(honest ones that is) xxxxxx

Answer
Unfortunatley there are givers and takers in this world, and the givers tend to get walked all over and dont stop getting walked over until youve finally had enough but you cant help it because its in you. (im the same and I never learn by my mistakes even though i say i will change next time but because its in me to help and give I cant stop it and always go back giving. But if i ever need help, I cant even ask for it but even if they know i need some help with something nobody offers and then i get upset and feel totally used, because I dont wait to be asked to help people, I just offer beforehand.) But you do need to be honest with her and tell her because it will carry on and youll end up exploding and probably falling out altogether.

I think you need to say to her that you have been seeing alot of each other lately and feel that you value her friendship very much but you feel that she is taking advantage of you and now its upsetting you and its come to the stage that you feel you need to say something. Then give her some examples of what she is doing and see what she says.

Its hard but in my experience as soon as i start saying no and not giving in, usually they dont want to know anymore and then that makes me feel even more used. So try to start as you mean to go on when making friends because it can make you feel really down, im in my 30's and I finally put my foot down with a friend last week and I havent heard from her since and im now at the stage where i actually dont want any more friends because they always seem to let you down, one way or another however I know its partly my fault for not being stronger, but myself and my husband are the same. (i guess thats one reason why i love him so much).

Good luck, I hope she takes what you say - you need to say it because it will only carry on and then i hopes she starts thinking about you more.

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