What do you HONESTLY think of this story?

kids character backpacks for school image

Past the B

1. Does it flow well?
2. It's just an excerpt and not the beginning, but do you have comments/likes/dislikes, especially about my writing style?

"Anyway, man, who you coming with to the party?"

"Don't ask stupid questions." I gathered my books and shoved them into my backpack, then started down a cobbled path that led to the parking lot. "Ariana, obviously."

"You might've broken up," he said, his voice indignant.

"I'm sure she'd have told you seeing as she's, well, your sister." I didn't bother asking who he'd invited, because it was obvious. After all, he only had one girlfriend at the moment.

As if on cue, Ariana emerged out of the school building through the large double doors opposite the parking lot, an arm hooked on Raven's. But when Raven spotted Lukas behind me, she screamed, shoved Ariana away, and bounded towards him like a puppy. She slammed into him with so much force, I was sure they were both going to fall and crack their heads on the tarred ground. But Lukas only staggered back a step and embraced her.

I, on the other hand, didn't get such a reaction from my own girlfriend. Ariana just smiled. It was a beautiful smile that parted her glistening lips to reveal straight rows of white teeth, and it brought a glimmer to her eyes, which were slightly veiled by her bangs. It had all the magic her brother's grin had. Well, almost.

I smiled back and hugged her.

"I missed you," she said.

"Not as much as I missed you." She had a way of turning me into a wet cheese ball. "You'll be at the party, right?"

"Yeah. Don't be late."

"I wouldn't dream of it," I said, leaning in to kiss her. But of course Lukas had to grab a handful of my tee shirt and pull me away the moment just before my lips met Ariana's.

"Dude, some respect. That's my sister," he said, shaking his head. "I'd rather not see what you two are capable of doing." He shivered, as if the very thought made his skin crawl.

"You've gotâ"

Lukas cut me off. "We've something we gotta do, anyway. Let's go." He turned to face Raven. "See ya later."

"But you promised you'd drive me home today," said Raven, a wistful tone in her voice as she slid her fingertips down Lukas's abs.

"Yeah, but there's something me and Derek gotta do, babe."

"Can't he do it alone?" She nodded towards me.

"Nah. He needs me."

"What exactly do you have to do?" demanded Raven.

Even I had no idea. I had a good memory and would've remembered if there was, but I said nothing. Maybe he just didn't want to be with Raven. Again.

Lukas flashed a crooked impish grin. "It's a surprise."

She frowned. "But I've been waiting for you for hours!"

"Ariana will take you home," Lukas said evenly. "I was gonna borrow her car, anyway. Mine's still being serviced."

Raven smiled at him, but that didn't warm her dark eyes. Then she glared at me like she was praying to the demons of hell to set me on fire. "Derek, when you're done stealing my boyfriend, please return him to me."

I smirked. "It's not my fault that you can't satisfy him."

Ariana giggled, but Raven narrowed her eyes to slits. Back off, the look said. However, I had no intention of conceding as it wasn't my fault that Derek almost always chose to hang out with me over her. I supposed that made her, well, jealous.

Lukas grabbed my arm at the wrist with one hand, then he caressed Raven's cheek with the other before he kissed her full on the lips. I tried to wrench my hand back and walk away, but his grip was too firm. I turned away and looked at Ariana instead.

"Does he always need to hold your hand when he's making out?" said Ariana, stifling a laugh.

"You don't know the half of it."

When he was done with her, he dragged me towards the entrance to the school building. I waved Ariana goodbye and made sure she and Raven were out of earshot before I spoke.

"Why did you make me wait if you were planning on driving home with Raven?"

Lukas didn't look at me. "I just told her I would, but I wasn't going to."

He shrugged.

"Okay." There was something he wasn't telling me, but I had no desire to drag explanations out of him. "So where exactly are we going?"

"Miss Rose's office."

The health teacher's office? "Why?"

"For the party." He turned to look at me as we walked through the doors and into the hallway. That impish grin once again split his lips. "We gotta steal us some condoms."

Answer
I like how the writing flows; it's something between Haulden Caulfield's narrative and Greg's from "Me, and Earl, and the Dying Girl". I also like how you're trying to distinguish the characters through their accents; it's a nice detail.

What I don't really like is the party theme. It makes me cringe every time; it's always the same scene: someone's house, parents are gone, underage drinking, something bad happening, cops arrive, party over, what a mess in the yard.

We didn't go to house parties like you see in movies. Our idea of "fun" (graduated h.s. in 2009 so I'm not that old) in high school and college was: we would go to the club, dance a lot and drink some (18+), or we would hang out at a friend's house for BBQ and music, or have a picnic in the forest and prepare BBQ and play voleyball/ badminton, or go to a public pool in town to swim, flirt and get a tan, or go to some lake at the edge of the town to swim/ play sports/ BBQ (again); we really like bbq. Or go to the mountains/ sea side together for a few days, sleep in tents or cheap villas; didn't matter where we slept since we didn't go there to stay within four walls of a 5-star hotel. It didn't matter if it was someone's birthday, a normal weekend, summer holiday; it was fun because the we were fun and even if some of us had just met new people under these circumstances, we'd all come out of this experience as good friends with awesome things to remember. Hopefully this rambling will give you some ideas xD

I also can't really identify with most of the teenage books and movies that have overused the stereotypical features of students, how they're split into groups like nerds, cheerleaders, popular kids blah blah. You haven't mentioned any in the excerpt, but since there's a party following up, I'm sensing there will be.

However, I don't really have a say in it, since the entire high school experience is different for everyone (or for every writer/director), so it may appeal to some crowds.

Overall, I like your delivery and descriptions. I can't really tell what the bigger picture of this novel could be, but I hope that once you've finished writing (or once you've published it), you'll tell us more about it. :)

What are some good school paper ideas?

belisle

For my english class I have to write an entertaining story in fist person point of view that could really happen to someone. I have to write it like it really happened to me. Anyone have any good ideas?

Answer
Thank you for taking my advice. (I suggested re-asking it on Books&Authors!)
Okay, I finally thought of something!
Story 1:
What if you (The main character) were testing a friend. And (GOSSIPING!) O... M... G...
And you were gossiping about a friend. then, you're testing back, and only AFTER do you realize you've sent it to the person you were gossiping about!
Story 2:
You're going on a school trip (By bus) when... BAM! Traffic! You're stuck there for hours! HOURS! All the cars are at a standstill, then, without warning, a kid has an asthma attack! The kid's forgotten his inhaler. Everyone's backpacks are back at the school. No one has a spare! While panic strikes all the students, YOU take action. You rush out of the bus and go to other cars and frantically ask for an inhaler, slamming your fist on the wind-shield. (It should be raining! YEAH!) Then, in the end, when the kid is like almost unconsious, a kind person gives you an inhaler, and you bring it back and save the kid!

I really like the second one. Suspenseful. I love suspense! :)

Powered by Yahoo! Answers

Title Post: What do you HONESTLY think of this story?
Rating: 95% based on 9768 ratings. 4,5 user reviews.
Author: Yukie

Thanks For Coming To My Blog